I feel like every time I have sex with my boyfriend, he finishes and I’m kind of left hanging. I feel awkward saying something because I think he might get defensive. Is there something I can do or say that will make him realize I need a little bit more from him?
It’s great that you’re ready to start saying something because you deserve to have your needs met too! It can be very awkward to ask for what you need in bed when you’re not used to asking. It gets easier once you see that it’s ok, and that your partner can handle it, and wants to please you. Of course, if he doesn’t want to please you, you should find someone who does! Think about it: you’re meeting his needs, so why wouldn’t you expect that he meet yours?
Right now, he may think he IS pleasing you. Perhaps, in the past, whatever he is doing was enough for his other partners. Or, it’s possible that his previous partners didn’t feel comfortable telling him what they needed. A lot of people want their partners to just know, but that’s not fair to them. Everyone is different, so each new partner has the responsibility of communicating his or her needs.
There are many ways you can ask for what you need. There is a difference between asking for what you need, and telling your partner he’s not good in bed or not pleasing you. It’s important that you stick with, “I,” statements. For example, “I really like xyz.” Or, if you’ve been leading him to think you’ve been having orgasms even though you haven’t been, you can tell him you have the best orgasms when someone does xyz to you, and you’d like to share that experience with him.
You’ll need to know what you like, which is sometimes a challenge for people. That takes exploring your own body so you know what to ask for.
Now, if your partner gets defensive or tells you he doesn’t want to do what you need, or he tells you you’re wrong about what you need (yes, there are people who will do any and all of the above), that’s information that you need to consider about your relationship. It might be scary to ask because you’re afraid you might get answers such as these, and it would hurt you. However, being left hanging is hurtful too. So, you’ve got choices. You can take a risk and ask for what you need, and then deal with the result. Or, you can continue to feel unsatisfied, which will likely lead to resentments and your relationship will likely become problematic.
It’s normal to feel uncomfortable when you do something new. But, like everything else, the more you do the uncomfortable, the more comfortable it becomes. Good luck!
Send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org! If you have them, others do too!
The information contained on Caitlin’s Couch, including but not limited to, text, graphics, images and any other material thereon, is for entertainment and informational purposes only. It is not intended to (and does not), provide medical advice, professional diagnosis, opinion, treatment or services to the reader or to any other individual. The sole purpose of Caitlin’s Couch is to promote discussion, dialogue and awareness of various topics relating to lifestyle and mental health. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition or treatment, and before undertaking a new health care regimen. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on Caitlin’s Couch.