How to go from single and scared to single and secure, and why it is important!

How to go from single and scared to single and secure, and why it is important!

Being single is not easy in our culture. Society judges single people. Single people judge themselves. Things are slowly changing, but there is still a loud message that says, “if you’re single, you’re not good enough”.

Some people can tune the societal message out. Others have heard it so much that it feels like their own belief. Being single is painful for these people because it lessens their sense of self-worth. It is scary for them because they fear they will never be good enough unless they find a partner.

You have the ability to change your relationship with your singlehood. You can be single and feel secure. This doesn’t mean you have to prefer being single. Nor does it mean that you’re glad you are single. It means you can stop including your relational status as part of your measure of self-worth. Then, you will feel better about yourself and your life.

You can’t be your best self when you feel unworthy. You are more likely to find a partner when you feel good about yourself and can be the shining bright star that you really are.

The following tips will help you go from single and scared to single and secure:


  1. Being single isn’t a personality trait, habit, disease, or defect. If you have been single for a long time, “single,” can go from being an explanation of your current relational status, to something you don’t like about yourself. “Single,” doesn’t have to define who you are. It isn’t a character trait. It is just your current relational state.
  2. Make time for your friends. The more connected you feel to friends and family, the more rich your life becomes. If you spend most of your time dating and looking for a partner, you’re not getting the nourishment that your other relationships can provide. Life begins to feel empty. Make time for your friends and cherish the connections you have. Though they aren’t with a romantic partner, they still count. You’re not actually all alone. You’re just single for now. Let your friends and/or family love you, and take their love in. When you feel loved, your sense of worth heightens.
  3. Reality check. Where did you develop the belief that you can’t have a fabulous fulfilling life unless you have a partner? There are many people who are partnered and miserable. There are people who choose to be single and feel very fulfilled. Happiness and self-worth don’t come from the external things in our lives. Those things can help, but ultimately, your sense of self-worth and happiness starts with your relationship with yourself.
  4. Try this exercise. It won’t be easy, but it will be helpful. Imagine, for a time, that you are going to be single forever. Embrace the pain. Grieve the loss. Remember, imagining it to be true doesn’t make it actually true. However, if you believe you will be single forever, your life will still go on. If you lost a leg, it would be horrible. But, you would find a way to go on. Think of this in the same way. So, if you’re going to be single forever, how will you live your life and make the most of it? Start working on that because you are likely to find someone when you’re happy and out there living your life. Sometimes people are waiting to find a partner before they feel like they can live a full life. This is not true. In fact, embracing the exact opposite attitude is more likely to work for you.


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