It’s time to find out what your argument style is!
First, go back to the questions here, and count up how many A’s you chose, B’s you chose, C’s you chose and D’s you chose.
See which letter you chose MOST, and then find the explanation of your arguing style below!
*If you end up with a tie, read through both descriptions and explanations. You may fall somewhere in between the two types, which means the information from both argument styles will be useful for you.
Mostly A's: The DISCONNECTOR
It’s easy for you to take ownership of your actions, and sometimes you take too much ownership. You tend to blame yourself for everything. Once you hear that your partner is unhappy about something, you disconnect from them and start to beat yourself up. You go into your shame, telling yourself that you’ve proven once again that you’re a bad person and partner. Finding yourself at the bottom of the shame-well is not unfamiliar. By disconnecting this way, you’re now connected only to yourself. The issue is no longer about your partner’s hurt, it’s now about yours.
The Good: You’re not getting defensive and invalidating your partner’s experience, which would lead to a painful and unproductive fight. You clearly care deeply about your partner and you want to be a good partner. You may have learned as a child that it’s best to blame yourself and shame yourself, rather than expect your primary caregivers to take ownership of their part or be interested in your feelings and needs. Perhaps your primary caregivers blamed you for a lot of things, too. Or, maybe you thought that if you could fix whatever you were doing “wrong”, you’d finally get the love you longed for from them. Whatever the reason, you learned to respond this way to survive an emotionally difficult experience as a child. Surviving is always good.
The Problem: Your partner can see how bad you feel about yourself, and they will likely feel bad for you. Your partner may end up trying to make you feel better, even though they are the ones who need care. Their initial issue has been pushed aside, and your pain has taken its place. If your partner feels bad when they bring something up to you, they may not want to bring things up in the future. Also, your partner’s initial wound was never tended to and resolved because they didn’t get the validation and care they needed.
The Solution: When your partner shares that they’re upset with you or upset in general, look them in the eyes to help you stay connected and present with them. Try to think of it like they are showing you their wound, and needing you to take care of it with them. Remind yourself that they are telling you about them. They are not telling you about you. Offer empathy, be curious about what they’re feeling, and show interest to understand what they’re going through. Remember, make it about them. It’s not about you, your intelligence or your worth. You are always worthy.
Mostly B's: The LEAVER
You don’t like conflict one bit. You tend to shut down, or leave, when faced with conflict. If you’re upset, you are more likely to rationalize it and try to let it go, rather than bring it up. Most things are not a big deal to you, or at least that’s what you tell yourself.
The Good: You’re not engaging in ways that cause more wounds. You’re not being defensive or invalidating. You learned in your life that the less you say and the less conflict you engage in, the better. Perhaps in your family of origin, you witnessed conflict that was scary. Or, perhaps you tried to engage in conflict, but it only made things worse. Or perhaps when you tried to share what you felt or needed, your feelings weren’t validated; that is a very painful experience. Whatever the reason, you learned that the best way to handle conflict was to avoid it.
The Problem: You’re not dealing with issues, and issues don’t go away. When you don’t deal with issues, they get bigger. Also, during arguments (and maybe other times) you’re not fully present. You’re in survival mode, trying to get through the argument. It’s hard to connect with your partner and vice versa when you’re not fully there. Your partner will likely not feel understood and heard, which perpetuates fights. Remember, they who avoid conflict inevitably create it. In addition, your partner needs to know what you think, feel and need. Otherwise, they can’t take those things into consideration and your needs won’t get met, unless by accident. If you dismiss your own needs, you give others permission to as well.
The Solution: Work on self-soothing and grounding yourself so you can stay present with your partner. It’s important for you to lessen anxiety and create a sense of safety within yourself, so conflict doesn’t feel so difficult. Learn to ask for what you need in support of having a conversation in a way that feels safe for you. If you need to go slowly, ask to slow down. If you need more time to process and respond, share those needs, and ask that you be given that space. If your partner’s anger feels threatening, let them know that you need them to work on containing their anger so you have a space to communicate in, in which you feel safe. Remember, your needs and feelings matter; they are valid and important. If you don’t have needs, you co-create a caretaking relationship, rather than a mutually supportive partnership.
Mostly C's: The PUSHER
When you feel hurt, you react in ways that push your partner away. You may go into attack mode, for example. Your intention is not to hurt your partner. In fact, you desperately want your partner to see what they’ve done and how it’s hurt you. You present as much evidence, proof and analysis as you can. You’re like a lawyer making your case. You tell them what they did. You pose questions about why they didn’t do something else--rhetorical questions, of course. You continue to go at them, and each piece of evidence pushes them a little further down so you are sure to win the case.
The Good: You’re allowing yourself to feel your feelings and you’re communicating them. You may have learned along the way that you have to fight to be validated. You may have been invalidated in your earlier life. Perhaps you had to make a strong case for people to notice you or give you what you needed. Whatever the reason, you learned to fight like a lawyer because it was what you needed to do at the time.
The Problem: You’re doing so much communicating that you’re not able to receive anything from your partner in return. You need your partner to acknowledge your hurt and anger, but they can’t when you’re pushing them away. You may “win” the case, but in relationships, the only way to win is when both partners feel seen, understood, validated and loved. This style of arguing prevents you and your partner from ending up in a connected place together.
The Solution: Slow down. Use breathing and grounding techniques to stay out of “fight mode”. Say what you’re upset about, but then self-soothe and allow your partner to respond. Conversation is necessary for resolution. Imagine creating space for them to tend to your wounds, rather than pushing them away with words and energy. In this relationship, you may not have to fight so hard to be heard.
Mostly D's: The PROTECTOR
When your partner tells you they're upset, and you don’t agree with them or you’re hurt that they said it, you start fighting against what they’ve claimed is true. This is your way of protecting yourself. You’re no longer interested in hearing what they have to say. You’re no longer available to hear. You need them to hear you. You’re making sure your partner understands what’s really true. You will not allow them to think such a thing about you, and you’re protecting yourself from being wrongfully accused.
The Good: You’re very kind and sensitive. Hearing that you’ve done something (or may have done something) that causes your partner pain hurts you deeply.
The Problem: No matter how hard you fight against your partner’s truth, you won’t change it. Instead, their issue won’t get resolved. They’ll feel unseen, just as you do by what they said. They’ll hesitate to bring things up with you because they don’t think you’ll understand or even try to. Also, you won’t change your behavior if you don’t see it, so whatever isn’t working will continue. Over time, more and more distance will get created. If there can’t be conversation, there can’t be resolution.
The Solution: Pause, take some deep breaths, and soothe yourself so that you don’t get so activated and reactive. Remind yourself that your partner is not telling you you’re a bad person, they’re telling you about their feelings and needs. They need you. Learn to be ok with making mistakes and acting in ways that hurt your partner, even if you don’t think your partner should be hurt by them. If they’re hurt, all you can do is try to empathize with them. Ask questions to help you understand why they’re hurt. Take ownership of your actions. Show them that you understand the impact you’ve had on them and you’re sorry. If you notice yourself disconnecting and starting to bring the conversation to a different place, pause and try to stay present with your partner’s issue. Keep in mind that once your partner feels seen by you, you will have a chance to talk about how you feel. But you can’t do it at the same time.
Did the results
surprise you?
In your next argument, what will you do differently?
As you can see, your argument style really has nothing to do with the topic you’re fighting over. It all comes back to your past experiences, early relationship dynamics, becoming aware of unhelpful relational patterns, and learning new relationship skills so you can feel those in-love-butterflies you felt during the honeymoon phase, but longer and stronger. Having better arguments is just one component of a healthy, happy, loving and sexy relationship.
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I'm Caitlin Cantor, Relationship & Sex Therapist. In addition to doing Individual and Couples Therapy in my Private Practice, I also created Caitlin's Couch.
Caitlin's Couch is a cozy corner of the internet where you will find help with all things related to relationships, sex, and self-love. From blogs to masterclasses to digital courses, coaching, and therapy, there is support for everyone at any price point. Through Caitlin's Couch, you can learn how to elevate your sense of self-love, and how to create the healthy, thriving, lasting relationship you want and deserve.