An unhealthy relationship with yourself could be keeping you single or in painful relationships. Learn the exact steps I took to create a healthy relationship with myself & transform my love life.
I didn’t always have a healthy relationship with myself. There was a time when I didn’t take good care of myself, dismissed my feelings, and put myself last. I bent my boundaries, beat myself up for making mistakes, and blamed myself when others treated me unkindly. I defined myself by my worst moments and wasn’t very kind to myself. I wouldn’t have been friends with someone who treated me the way I treated myself. It’s not surprising that I was unhappy and struggled with dating and relationships.
I thought I needed to find someone who would love me and treat me well so that I could feel better about myself. I spent years looking for that person. But when I met someone who treated me well, I lost interest in them. When I met someone emotionally unavailable, selfish, and inconsiderate, I was drawn to them.
As much as I wanted a nice guy intellectually, I was attracted to the opposite. It took me a long time to realize that I needed to be the person I was looking for before I could be ready to receive healthy love from someone else.
After years of painful dating, situationships, and toxic relationships, I got tired of feeling hurt. I decided never to let anyone make me feel bad on my dating journey again. From then on, if someone made me feel anxious or didn’t treat me the way I wanted to be treated, I walked away—no questions asked. I protected myself like a parent protects a child. I believed in myself the way I’d want a parent to believe in me. I gave myself unconditional love and loyalty like a perfect parent would a child. Essentially, I became an ideal parent to myself.
My initial motivation to change was self-protection; I was tired of being hurt. To my surprise, as I shifted how I treated myself and interacted with others, my self-worth skyrocketed. I treated myself with love and care and protected myself from pain, which are key ingredients to building self-love. It didn’t matter what my initial motivation was. Treating myself with kindness, love, and care led to greater self-love; from there, my love life transformed.
With my newly elevated self-love, the men I was attracted to changed. The kinder I was to myself, the more I was drawn to kind people. The less I criticized myself, the less tolerance I had for criticism from men I dated. The more acceptance I had for myself, the more acceptance (and less judgment) I had for others. The more confident I got when setting boundaries, the more I sought out people who respected them. The more emotionally available I was, the more unattractive emotionally unavailable men were. Not long after I decided to be an unconditionally loving and best parent to myself, I met my husband.
Creating a healthy relationship with myself was crucial to finding an amazing partner, and it’s imperative that you do the same for yourself. While waiting for the right person to come along, do the work to be ready for them when they do.
The following is a list of things I did to create a loving and healthy relationship with myself; these things will help you do the same:
I committed to being kind to myself. Even if I was angry at myself, I refused to put myself down. I forced myself to think compassionate and empathetic thoughts.
I stopped questioning whether my feelings were valid or not. Instead of asking myself (or others) if I “should” feel how I felt, I started to describe the feeling. My thoughts went from, “Should I feel angry?” To, “I feel angry; I feel it in my chest,” etc. It doesn’t matter if you should feel something or not. If you feel it, accept it and get to know it.
I trusted my gut. It was my “proof”. I protected myself rather than dismissing my gut feeling or waiting to see what happened. By honoring my gut feeling, I cared for myself as I would for something monetarily valuable. If I wouldn’t risk damaging an expensive car, I shouldn’t risk damaging myself—no matter how minor the damage might be.
I expected people to respect my boundaries. I didn’t date people who pushed against my boundaries. It was a red flag for me.
I started believing my needs mattered. I acknowledged them and asked for what I needed, rather than trying to ignore them or assuming that others wouldn’t meet them.
I stopped defining myself by my worst moments or mistakes. I chose to define myself by the qualities I most often have.
I stopped letting anyone else define me or my worth. I started taking other people’s opinions of me with a grain of salt rather than the truth. I chose to look to myself first and foremost for my opinion of myself and to know my worth.
I supported myself when I let myself down or made mistakes. I stopped focusing on what I should have done differently and began giving myself empathy and understanding.
I stopped blaming myself (or my worth) for other people’s actions. I stopped taking things personally. If someone hurt me, I blamed them. I didn’t blame myself for “allowing” them to hurt me, either. I knew I wasn’t responsible for other people’s choices.
I started saying no. I stopped saying yes to things I was really a no for. I stopped people pleasing and put myself first.
I started sharing my truth. I stopped trying to be positive or hiding when I was sad, hurt, or depressed. I stopped being afraid to speak my truth and be authentic. I refused to act like how I felt or what I believed was shameful.
I started looking to myself for answers rather than externally. I stopped asking everyone for advice, as though they knew me better than I knew myself.
I forgave myself from past mistakes. I embraced that we’re all doing our best until we can do better. We’ll always be able to look back and see a better way to handle things, but we didn’t have the gift of hindsight in the past.
What is one thing you can start practicing to create a healthier relationship with yourself? Let’s discuss it in the comments!
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