Unhealthy relationships are harmful to our mental and physical health. They distract us, drain our energy, make us feel anxious or depressed, and harm our self-worth. The damage to us when we remain in unhealthy relationships is significant, so it’s important to acknowledge your issues and decide whether you want to work on them or part ways.
If you want to work on things, you’ll have to work together and individually. The most powerful way to make your relationship healthier is to focus on changing how you participate in your relationship. That means focusing on your part rather than blaming your partner and waiting for them to change. You don’t have control over your partner, so your power to make your relationship healthier lies in what you can do. The good news is, you can do a lot to lessen the toxicity of your relationship and make it healthier.
The following is a list of ways you can change an unhealthy relationship into one that is better for you:
Stop being reactive. Your first reaction to your partner isn’t necessarily the most accurate or productive. It usually comes from your unhealed wounds rather than a well-thought-out understanding of what was done or said. Notice your reaction to your partner, but don’t take it out on them. Instead, take a deep breath, and give yourself time to think about what was said or done and how you want to talk to your partner about it. Then, when you’re in a grounded state of mind, approach your partner to discuss it.
Make sure you understand your partner accurately. The next time you’re upset by your partner, ask them questions to make sure you understand them accurately. Often people are upset because of assumptions they’ve made, but once they check o9ut their stories (or assumptions), they realize they’d misunderstood.
Be intentional. Figure out how you want to respond to your partner before you do. That way you can get clear on your point and plan out how you can communicate it in a way your partner is more likely to understand. Don’t dump a laundry list of complaints onto your partner. Think about what they did and how it made you feel, and start by sharing that. You don’t need to build a case to prove that you’re hurt. In fact, the bigger the argument you make, the harder it is for your partner to understand what you’re saying.
Self-soothe. I can’t overstate the importance of being able to regulate your emotions. When you get dysregulated, you’re in a state of fight-flight-freeze-faint. In that state, your goal is survival, not being relational or emotionally intelligent. You have to be able to ground yourself so you can process what is happening more accurately and engage with your partner in a thoughtful way. Survival mode is not conducive to productive conversations.
Practice being empathetic. Try to understand your partner rather than judge them. Judgment leads to disconnection, whereas empathy leads to understanding and greater connection.
Own your part. Don’t blame your partner. Everything is co-created, which means you play a role in your current dynamic. Focus on what you need to do differently; that is where your power to change your relationship lies.
Set boundaries. Be clear on what you’re willing to accept and what will happen if that boundary isn’t respected. Having firm boundaries is a way to take care of yourself and the relationship.
Whether or not the work you do to become a healthier partner will be enough is impossible to know without trying. However, the work you do will help you with all of your relationships, not just the one you hope to save, so it’s work worth doing.
This blog was originally published on Psychology Today.
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