There’s a lot about sexual desire we aren’t taught. As a result, we don’t have realistic expectations for our libido over time. We expect to desire sex the way we always have, regardless of what is happening in our lives. Society tells us we should always want to have sex with our partner, and if we don’t, something is wrong with us or the relationship. In reality, our libido is not that simple.
It’s unrealistic to expect yourself to desire sex all the time or just because your partner is in the mood. Your interest in sex is impacted by what’s happening in your life and in your body. There will be times in your life when you don’t think about sex at all (unless someone is initiating it). There will be times when sex is more important to you than other times. Sometimes, sex will be the last thing you want. Other times, you may want sex all the time. Just as your hunger for food fluctuates, so does your desire for sex.
There is more than one type of desire. Some people feel desire spontaneously. They think about sex randomly and desire it. Most people learn about spontaneous desire, which is the type portrayed in the media.
Some people feel desire responsively. They feel desire once they’re beginning to be intimate or in response to sexual stimuli. For example, they start kissing and feel desire for more. Or they read something spicy and get turned on. In long-term relationships, responsive desire is more common than spontaneous desire. Both kinds of desire are normal and good. Some people will always feel one type of desire, and others will fluctuate.
People often worry if their desire or their partner’s desire isn’t spontaneous or goes from spontaneous to responsive. But there’s nothing wrong with the way libido changes or the different types of desire. If you notice your interest in sex has changed, it’s always a good idea to get checked out by a doctor, but there’s a good chance your libido is responding to your life.
This blog was originally published on Psychology Today.
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