These are most important things I did (or stopped doing) that helped go from single and stuck to creating a healthy, loving, lasting relationship with my husband.
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Dear Caitlin,
I’ve heard you talk about how hard dating was for you, and it sounds like you’re in a great relationship now. What were the main things you did to get to where you are? I feel like I’ve changed so much and still can’t find anyone.
~Hopeless
Dear Hopeless,
Yes, I’m in a healthy, loving marriage now. But I spent many years single and struggling with emotionally unavailable men, rejection, feeling used, and, like you, feeling hopeless. I didn’t know why relationships were so hard. I thought I wasn’t lovable. I had no idea there were things like “relational skills” to learn. I couldn’t see that I was unknowingly pushing the right guys away and opening the door to the wrong men. I didn’t know how much I didn’t know.
I was always working on myself, trying to heal, grow, and change. But I couldn’t work on relational things—the real reasons I struggled with dating and relationships—until I learned about them. And despite going to therapists and coaches, reading books, listening to podcasts, etc., no one told me about being relational. In fact, I got what I now know is the worst advice from almost everywhere, though I know it was well-intentioned. I don’t want anyone else to waste their time and money seeking help with dating that isn’t ultimately helpful.
That’s one of the reasons I’m so passionate about relationships. People don’t realize how much they don’t know, and not many helping professionals “get it” like I do. I both studied relational dynamics well beyond my therapist training, and I also lived it. I struggled through the dating world until I figured out how to do it successfully. I know what it’s like to go from relationally clueless to becoming a relationship expert. That took me many years. You don’t have to be a relationship expert, but you likely need to learn more and develop better relational skills. The following is a list of pivotal changes I made on my dating journey that carved a path for someone like my husband Calvin to come into my life, and got me ready to receive the love he offered and to create a healthy relationship with him:
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