It's not about how well you speak.
Communication is key to any healthy relationship, yet many couples struggle with it. One reason for this is that we’re not taught how to communicate in a relational way. We’re taught that good communication means expressing yourself honestly and clearly. When people say, “I’m a good communicator,” they usually mean they’re good at expressing themselves. And while expressing yourself is part of communicating well, it’s not all of it.
When we think about communication in a relational way, we consider the experience of both people—speaker and listener—not just the speaker. The point of communication in relationships is to understand and be understood. Speaking well doesn’t mean you’ll be understood. To be understood, you have to speak as openly and clearly as possible, and then you have to engage in dialogue to clarify whether or not you have been accurately understood. If you don’t check to see if your partner understood you accurately, you don’t know if they did or not. They may think they understood you, but they could be wrong and not realize it. If you don’t check out what was understood, you risk having a miscommunication and never knowing about it. You can’t possibly communicate well if you misunderstand each other and don’t know it. That’s why the most important part of communication is checking out how what you said landed for your partner, and clarifying anything that landed sideways.
Read the rest of this blog on my Substack: https://caitlinscouch.substack.com/p/the-truth-about-improving-communication
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